


There Can Only Be One

by AuspexOfIlia



Series: Various Nintendo Crack [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, Kirby (Video Games)
Genre: But only for the first half of the game, Byleth went to smash a lot earlier than in the trailer, Crack, Dubstep Wizard Fight, Gen, Original Fifth Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Spoilers, This Is STUPID, This is such a specific joke but I couldn't get it out of my head, lots of small cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27633245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuspexOfIlia/pseuds/AuspexOfIlia
Summary: Byleth brought back a few friends from Smash Bros, which is cool and all, but why do I hear intense dubstep coming from Hyrm?A.K.A "Edelgard wins by doing nothing".
Series: Various Nintendo Crack [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020472
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	There Can Only Be One

**Author's Note:**

> Because this is crack, I didn't proofread it. That adds to the hilarity. Someday I'll write a serious version of Nightmare and Marx but today isn't that day. Same goes for Thales and Kronya and Jeritza.  
> Also while not mentioned here, Raphael, Caspar, and Ingrid would probably have a field day with Dedede and his love of food.  
> In other news I am bad at trigonometry

"This," said Byleth, plopping a round pink smiling ball on the podium, "Is Kirby."

"Poyo," Kirby said.

The entire class "ooh-ed" and "ahh-ed". Well, everyone except Felix, Edelgard, and Hubert. Felix sat in the back with a big ol' frown on his face, his feet kicked up on his desk. "That's a gumball with a face."

"Not just any old gumball with a face," said Byleth. "Kirby here saved his world from demons and aliens and ancient warriors."

Felix scoffed. "I don't believe that for a second."

"You know, that's fair," said Byleth. "But I should mention one of Kirby's allies is a famed swordsman who would be willing to spar with you."

Felix shot up from his chair and darted out of the room. Byleth smirked. "Alright, let me tell you about all the cool adventures Kirby's been on. Then you guys can hug him and have an eating contest."  
  
As Byleth went on a seemingly endless monologue about the pink puffball, Hubert turned to Edelgard. He cupped his hand around her ear and whispered into it. "My Lady, may I have a word?"

Edelgard nodded, knowing exactly what he needed to discuss. She raised her hand up for Byleth to see. "Excuse me, Professor? Hubert and I have something urgent to attend to."

"Seems legit," said Byleth. "Don't die."

"We won't, Professor." Edelgard gestured for Hubert to follow her out the door. The two found the shadiest and most suspicious spot possible for a meeting and settled in.

"So," Hubert said, "This.... Kirby, I believe the Professor said..."

"A warrior famed for beating demons. My uncle is going to have a fit about this." Edelgard said the word "uncle" as if she was talking about a snake.

"Is it true, though? Such a small creature felling gods?" 

Edelgard sighed. "This is the Professor we're talking about. I highly doubt it's a lie."

Hubert stroked his chin. "How do you suppose we break the news?"

"With all of his spies here, I wouldn't be surprised if he already knows," said Edelgard. "I just wonder how he's handling this..."

* * *

Down deep below Hyrm, Thales stood at the controls for a fancy far distance communication module. As long as someone possessed one of the matching devices, they could receive his messages and respond instantaneously. One mage had suggested the name "Walkie-Talkie" for the system, but Thales and the other sages had thrown him into a pit of acid because of how dumb the name sounded.

On the other side of the device, the Death Knight and Solon listened in carefully. Edelgard was supposed to be attending, but she'd muted her device two days ago after getting in an argument. Stupid petty teenagers.

"So, do you understand the plan?" Thales asked the two.

The Death Knight spoke back, his voice deep and distorted thanks to both his mask's filter and the communication device. "So you want me to kidnap the one who goes by Flayn so the mages can take her blood?"

Thales nodded even though no one could see it. "Precisely."

"And you want me to just... keep her under the monastery?"

"Yes."  
  
"But... won't we just get caught?" Asked the Death Knight. "We'll be right underneath everyone's noses. Literally. Why not warp her into Shambhala? She'll be much more secure there."  
  
"We need to plant Kronya in as a spy, so we need them to discover her alongside the girl."  
  
"What? Why not just have her impersonate Flayn?"

Before Thales could explain how his plan was actually ingenious and the much smarter plan was inferior, someone kicked the door behind him in. At least, that's what he thought until he remembered you can't kick in metal doors.  
  
Oh, and when he saw that the culprit had no legs.

Standing in the doorway was what could only be described as a floating blanket with a head and skeletal arms, as well as a strange pair of black glasses. A chunky gold necklace 

"Excuse me," it said, "I heard someone was copying my style and I came here to complain."

Thales blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"The technology??? The dubstep??? I did it first, you loser!" Said the blanket.

"What is _dubstep?_ " 

The blanket took one of its bony arms and whacked a complicated looking computer module. The metal dented under its hand. "The music, you moron! The wubs and dubs and--"

"There's no copyright on music genres!" Thales said. "Besides, we're in Fodlan! Copyright laws don't exist here!"

"Well, sure, but the entire dubstep wizard thing is _my_ gimmick!"

Thales sighed and slapped his palm to his face. It hurt more than it should have because he forgot he was wearing metal gauntlets. "Who even _are_ you?"

The blanket put a hand to its chest. At least where its chest would be if it had one.

"I am Lord Nightmare, Emperor of Darkness, Scourge of the Fountain of Dreams, and the original out of place technology wizard!" He left out the fact that the technology part only applied to the anime, as that would not help his case. "No one expects dubstep and nukes in a place called Dream Land!"

"Well," Thales said, " _My_ technology and music is even more out of place! So it's my thing!"

(Somewhere in Fhiridad, Cornelia felt the urge to punch Thales.)

"Well, you just won't give up, will you?" said Nightmare. He made a fist and punched it into his other palm. "It seems we're in for a fight." 

Thales scowled. "Alright. Kronya, get ready for--"

Before he could finish, Kronya ran by, some weird purple creature biting her head. It seemed to be wearing a blue and red jester's hat and a pair of brown shoes that looked like loaves of bread. 

"Get it off, get it off, get it o-o-off!" Kronya screamed. The two wizards stared at the assassin as she tried to shake the creature off. 

"I uh, I apologize," said Nightmare. "Marx listens to no one."

"That's ok, I don't really like Kronya anyways." Thales looked back at his new enemy. He then started to form a dark ball of energy in his hands, just like in that one cutscene. You know the one. "Anyways, prepare to die!"

Nightmare then started to scream, and Thales screamed back, because this is Dragon Ball Z now.

* * *

Holst Goneril was the first one to see and hear the explosion coming from Hyrm. First there was a loud, jarring noise that vaguely resembled music, then the ground shook, and then Hyrm was gone.

When Hilda told Edelgard what her brother had seen, Edelgard went and celebrated with Hubert.


End file.
